Thursday, September 08, 2005

Criminal Profiling with Professor Crazypants

I am, if you can believe it, halfway done with the first class of my Master's degree. This one-class-per-month format is pretty wild. I'm not sure if it's made more or less challenging by the fact that my professor for this particular class is nuttier than squirrel poo in an almond factory. Entertaining, yes, and I'm even learning a little, but the man is guano-crazy. This, coupled with the fact that the format of the class is like a chat room, wherein he lectures by typing at us instead of actually speaking, allows for some great and memorable quotes. Observe:
"[Sex] is the instrument that makes sacred the human existence for all of us through the reverie of carnality for which many of us live in horrible doubt, blame and guilt unnecessarily for our youthful indulgences."
Now, sure, we're talking about serial killers and the like in this class, so it's not so surprising that some of what he talks about is going to have to do with warped perceptions of reality. Still, it wouldn't be too difficult to grasp the idea that criminals have a poor sense of self, even without the following flowery metaphor:
"The criminal's ego needs continual puffing. His ego is flaccid like a flaccid male genital bobbing in a bathtub of unrequited hate."
Bobbing in a bathtub of unrequited hate. Damn, that's good.

Tonight's lecture included a rant about Romeo and Juliet. He was trying to make a point about the pathological "love" of serial killers for their victims, but his choice of analogy could not have been worse, in my opinion.

Professor Crazypants: We all know that Juliet was madly in love with her Romeo, correct?

Class: (varying responses in the affirmative)

PC: All right, your responses demonstrate your programming to love what you don't understand which in time will destroy your relationship that you believed loved you but didn't because you do not possess your own identity - if you had your own authority, you would have known that Juliet hated Romeo and hated to love him.

Me (in my head): Buh?!

PC: Juliet didn't love Romeo - at least not love but hate to love - she resented him because his unhealthy need for her was an addiction. The same type of addiction the addict has for his dope. The serial killer is a sort of dope addict who must get his fix from his pusher (victim) which will requite him for awhile until his next episode and return to his pusher for another hit (another victim). Back to Romeo and Juliet. Romeo pursued Juliet (his pusher) who satisfied his unhealthy need for the dope (lust's narcotic) that creates the delirium that causes the fraudulent belief that his addiction has made, see?


PC: The pusher (Juliet) loves to hate the addict (Romeo) that she supplies with the transient pleasure that conceals the pain the addicted ignores - and it is this weakness in Romeo that Juliet hates. Her hatred was morphed into a visceral emotion out of resentment which is a pre-emotion that made a home in her when she recognized that Romeo's plaintiff squeals for her was his addiction for the pleasure her narcotic gave him. Like Juliet, no woman, none that I know, anyway, or man, for that matter, could ever allow themselves to be set up to fall by the self-professor of fraudulent love that addiction has made derelict, see?

You really are insane, aren't you?

PC: Had Romeo not squandered his potential that pain would have disclosed, was trying to tell him, the respect inherent to the character of a true man would have known that Juliet, and his selfishness ameliorated would have created a fertile ground where real love could be cultivated between them.

Okay, you're not even speaking in complete sentences...

Eventually he did return to some semblance of understandable lecturing, once he moved away from his horrendous analogy and returned to talking about the pathologies of serial killers. Thus far it's been pretty hit-or-miss with this guy, though most of the time he does manage to get his points across, however convoluted his path toward those points may be. I'll keep you updated on any additional craziness that may ensue in the second half of the course.


Lazy Datrick said...

Yeah... I'll have to agree with the fact that your professor is quite insane.

The Michael said...

Not only insane...I think this guy has issues.

susan said...

I am also suspicious the man has issues, but I'm also starting to think all criminal profilers are pretty much wacko. It's like a job requirement or something...

mysterygirl! said...

Um, what exactly is this class about? That whole flaccid-bobbing-hate thing has me quite discombobulated.

susan said...

Hehe ;) The class is technically called "Criminal Investigative Analysis: Profiling." Basically it's about psychological profiling of serial killers and other criminals.